Trauma Bonding in a Neurotypical–Autistic Relationship

A trauma bond is an emotional attachment formed through repeated cycles of abuse followed by positive reinforcement. It makes someone feel stuck in a relationship even when they know it’s hurting them.

How it Forms

The relationship starts with intense affection, idealization, or “love bombing.”

That affection is later withdrawn or replaced with:

• Coldness

• Criticism

• Punishment

• Stonewalling

  Just when the neurotypical partner feels devastated, the autistic partner may show a small act of kindness, vulnerability, or need that pulls them back in.

• The neurotypical partner starts to associate love with pain and feels like they must earn affection back by fixing the dynamic.

Why It’s Especially Powerful in This Type of Relationship:

The neurotypical partner often assumes:

“This isn’t abuse—it’s just how they’re wired.”
“Maybe if I learn to communicate better or be more patient, things will get better.”

They may excuse hurtful behavior because they’re told it’s due to autism.

• This is empathy exploitation, even if not intentional.

• It creates a cycle of guilt, over-accommodation, and silence.

  The autistic partner may:

  • Truly struggle with empathy, perspective-taking, or emotion regulation.

  • But if abusive behavior is present (control, emotional invalidation, sexual coercion, gaslighting), these traits are often used as cover for persistent harm.

  • This confuses the neurotypical partner even more, deepening the trauma bond.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is the internal tension from holding two opposing beliefs at the same time.

What it Looks Like in This Relationship:

The neurotypical partner may think:

• “He’s sweet, vulnerable, and misunderstood…”

• “…but he also ignores me, manipulates me, or blames me for everything.”

OR:

• “He’s on the spectrum and struggles with empathy…”

• “…but he also seems very aware when he withholds affection or shifts blame.”

These conflicting beliefs make it difficult to leave. The brain wants to resolve the tension, so it:

• Minimizes the abuse

• Rationalizes the behavior (“He didn’t mean it,” “It’s autism, not malice”)

• Overfocuses on the good moments to cope with the bad ones

This makes the partner feel like:

“Maybe I’m the problem.”
“Maybe if I was more regulated, more flexible, more accommodating…”

Meanwhile, the autistic partner may struggle to integrate that:

• Their actions cause real emotional harm—even if not “intended”

• Their control or rigidity may be deeply hurtful or even abusive

• They may cling to logic and self-justification (“I didn’t raise my voice,” “I was just being honest”) even while eroding the neurotypical partner’s emotional safety

How the Two Work Together

What It Feels Like Trauma Bond“I feel addicted to him. I keep going back because sometimes he’s sweet.”Cognitive Dissonance“I know this is wrong, but I keep questioning myself. I can’t tell what’s real.”